As I write this a bright white empty web page burns my eyeballs. It is again time for hitting the reset button.

Last week, I was not well. I remember reading about “razor blade COVID” around summertime this year. Last Tuesday I woke up with my first inklings of a sore throat. It got worse over the next few days and my energy levels dropped significantly.

I pause to reread what I’ve already written and know that I haven’t given enough context yet. But I let that thought pass so I can just write. I write mostly for myself. I share on the random chance that someone finds something they connect with. If they do not they can simply stop reading.

Despite feeling like shit in all kinds of ways, something strange happens to me when COVID starts to hit. Like an antennae TV all of a sudden the static of my anxiety goes away. My body hurts and is weak, but my mind takes its first deep breath in practically a year.

I’ve finally learned that resisting sickness is like struggling in quick sand. I used to be so guilty when I would get sick. I remember when I was still an intern at Electronic Arts I woke up with a raging fever and I’m pretty sure even vomitted, but then I was like “ok, I guess it’s time to go to work”. I didn’t even know who to email to tell that I was sick. Was I even allowed sick days?

Last week was the final week to prepare for something launching on the Friday. My old self would have chained myself to my desk until I miserably pulled something together. This time I communicated my sick state and found the help I needed in order to let go.

All of a sudden, nothing mattered. I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I wasn’t going to do any work. I was just going to be.

The aching body, sore throat, nausea, etc. definitely made this less glamorous than it sounds…but it was still pretty special for the mind.

Normally my mind is racing. I have trouble paying attention in conversations because I’m usually having at least 3 internal dialogues at the same time. Some people might say or think that this is unhealthy or that something is wrong. But the truth is that I’m usually exploring what a future world could look like. Whether it’s how I can improve myself, how I can make my current software better, how I can help someone else better.

It’s a super power when it gets locked in the right direction. But it’s also a handicap when it goes down the wrong path. That wrong path is what I like to call anxiety.

For a brief few days all of this went away. There was only the one thing in front of me at a time, and that was it. Food, water, bathroom, sleep, Pokemon, and Stardew Valley.

It has been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to binge on a video game. With my usual schedule there’s not enough time to relax and actually savour a game properly. But this time I was able to let go and be a kid again.

When I was a kid and even a teenager, video games were magical. The fact that someone could create a brand new world you could explore is one of the coolest things we’ve done with media if you ask me.

I’ve lost a lot of that joy as I’ve grown older. I attribute some of that to my time at EA where I saw how the sausage is really made.

I pause again to see a page of words longer than I have done in a very long time. I get a bit nervous about how/where I’m actually posting this, but promise myself I will do my best to actually put it out there.

These few days of not caring about anything were blissful. Despite feeling depleted, I also felt recharged. But then day 4, 5 and 6 rolled around.

I had been waking up at 3 AM most nights, when it felt like my sore throat and clogged nostrils would peak. Hard to sleep when you can’t breathe.

Finally one of my 3AM wakeups came packed with my fun friend anxiety. It took me nearly 2 hours for my negative thoughts to calm down.

I woke up feeling a little better the next day, but I’ve been here enough to know that this is the bottom.

“I don’t care” felt great for a few days. But as time went on it became more like “I don’t care about anything”. I didn’t want to do anything and my body was too tired to overcome all of this.

I think it’s in these moments that the people that need me and the people that I need pull me out of a funk. I might need to do nothing sometimes, but I definitely don’t want to do nothing forever. I slowly give myself increasingly difficult tasks. I start cleaning the bathroom with some music on. I tell myself that I’m just listening to music and the cleaning is just a game I’m playing to get as much dirt as I can.

An hour goes by and I’m feeling alive again. Then a few hours later I can’t breathe from my nose, my head is fully congested, and my eyes watering.

I lie down in bed and give up for the rest of the day.

There’s at least one more day of roller coasting like this. Finally today I am feeling like I can actually get stuff done. Still a lingering cough and tight lungs, but the motivation is brewing.

And that leads us to this post. But it also leads me to my attention span rapidly dwindling.

If you have read this far it is probably because you love me and I love you too. I don’t reach out often, but I think of you often.